Orc Attack!
by Natalie3
Summary: A flic-fic, I wrote it several years ago, so it's kind of silly, but I thought it was funny anyway, and I like Pippin!


It was a cool September afternoon, and Peregrin Took was rather bored. He had, after all, as he was fond of reminding the other hobbits, seen quite a lot of action when he had gone on a trip a year ago with Mr. Frodo Baggins. While, he admittedly adored the Shire, and all of its comforts, he often found it a trifle, well, boring. Nothing ever happened! The sun rose, he got up, ate a large breakfast, smoked his pipe, had second breakfast, wandered around outside, and then he had a third breakfast, followed shortly thereafter by lunch. Lunch went on until dinner time, and then there was just enough time to sit in his armchair and think, before the day was over. Today had been like any other day, and he was tired of it. Just then there came a knock on his door! Positively ecstatic, Pippin leaped up and dashed to the door. Outside the door stood Samewise Gamgee. Pippin almost jumped up and down with delight. Sam had come with them on the adventures a year ago.   
"Sam, wonderful to see you! Sit down, sit down! Where have you been? How have you been? Would you like a pipe?"  
Sam found himself being ushered in to the parlor by a cheerful (yet determined) hobbit. He was forced down upon a large over-stuffed arm chair and offered a pipe and tea simultaneously.   
Confused by such a cordial welcome, Sam was rather puzzled as to what to say, "Er, Hello Mr. Pippin, I've been busy with the garden lately. The eggplants just are not growing the way they ought to. No thank you. No, really, I'd rather not have any tea just now. I actually came over to see if you would like to go for a walk with me in the woods. You see, I've been finding the Shire rather dull about now, and well, do you want to go?"  
Pippin jumped out of his chair faster than most would have believed possible and sprang for the door, though he some how remembered to grab his umbrella on the way out. "Come along Sam! Let's go! Up, up!"  
Sam stumbled to his feet and wondered if he ought to have asked Merry instead. Merry never leaped out of chairs, then again, Pippin didn't usually either. He ran to catch up and vowed that if he did go on a walk with Pippin again, he would not sit down in one of those nice comfortable chairs that were difficult to untangle oneself from. However, as soon as they reached the woods, Pippin slowed down and commented on the scenery. Sam said something agreeable, and they continued on in a companionable silence. They were walking along like this, and had gotten very deep into the woods, when a gigantic orc stepped out from behind the trees. Pippin and Sam were so shocked to see an orc in the familiar surroundings of the Shire, they both stood there, mouths agape while the orc calmly grabbed Sam by the neck. Pippin brandished his umbrella, and stabbed the orc in its rather large stomach, having momentarily forgotten that it was an umbrella he held, not a sword. The orc looked rather surprised which gave Pippin a moment to step back and...and bump into another orc who had come around behind. And so it was that two of the bravest, fiercest, and noblest hobbits in the entire Shire, were taken with almost no trouble at all.  
Now, Pippin and Sam never found out what orcs were doing in the Shire in the first place, however, I'll let you the reader know. An army of orcs was marching near the Shire, bit by bit. They went in smaller companies. One of the companies got a bit turned around, and got lost. Yes lost, and they couldn't find anyone to give them directions, which doesn't matter, because orcs are headstrong, and wouldn't of listened to directions anyway. They are like human males in that respect!  
Pippin and Sam were carried to a large clearing in the woods, and were placed under a tree with their wrists and ankles tied. The cooking orc came over to examine them for supper.  
"Hmm...I suppose if we broil the fat one, and crush and grind the little one, it just might work out."  
The orc who had captured them objected "No, no, no! You should slowly roast the bigger one, and fry the little one in his fat!"  
"Certainly not! That would be a waste of fat!"  
"But if you..."  
The conversation went on, but Sam and Pippin tuned it out. Sam was not comfortable. He seemed to be on top of something that was extremely pointy. He wriggled about like a fish on a hook, or like a hobbit on an extremely old, quite rusty almost worthless knife. He looked at it in surprise! Of all the luck! He found a knife, but it was no good. It wasn't sharp enough to do anything but make a hobbit like himself miserable. Pippin had other ideas. He reached out, grabbed the knife and threw it as hard as he could, which is very difficult when one's hands are tied. It hit right on target, the cooking orc's eye! The orc screamed in pain, and yanked Pippin up into the air and held him above the pot full of boiling water. Pippin considered kicking, but decided that the orc might just drop him. However, neither Sam nor Pippin noticed that when the orc had grabbed Pippin, he had knocked into another orc. The orc threw the pot of boiling water onto another orc's head. The other orc threw a rock, and before long, a full out fight was going. One of them flung an ax, which narrowly missed Sam's head (he ducked) and buried itself into the tree behind him. It was not in all the way, however, and a bottom bit of the sharp part stuck out. Sam rubbed his bonds on that, and cut them easily. He untied his ankles, and unnoticed by anyone, stood up. He debated whether to help Pippin, or run for help. An orc suddenly saw him and lunged screaming "Our dinner is getting away!" Sam decided to go for help and ran. Luckily, the orc's yell was unheard by the others because of the din they were making. Unfortunately, this particular orc was a fast runner, and though Sam was fast, for a hobbit, his legs were shorter, and his ankles hurt. Suddenly he tripped over something long and black. It was Pippin's umbrella! Sam grabbed it and pointed it at the orc. When it was three feet from him, he hit the button, and the top came up. The orc had never seen an umbrella before, and thought it was some kind of magic. (Orcs are not terribly brilliant.) He stood there stupidly for a moment or two, uncertain of what to do. Sam flung the umbrella him and ran as fast as he could. He knew the forest, and the orc didn't. He could also see, and the orc couldn't, as it had an umbrella over it's eyes. It crashed into a tree, and stayed there, so Sam ran home safely, though he didn't know it. He burst into Frodo's house out of breath and as red as the tomatoes, able only to gasp, "Pippin, me, walk, orcs, lots an lots an lots of orcs. Chased me all the way here." At this point he turned make sure the orc wasn't behind him anymore. Frodo leaped up, his eyes burning. He grabbed sting of the mantelpiece and roared "Come on Merry and Sam! We'll show those orc that we mean business!" Sam looked up surprised. Indeed, Merridoc, the fourth and final hobbit on their trip was there too. Merry quietly suggested that perhaps getting a few of the other hobbits to come with them wouldn't be such a bad idea. Frodo asked Sam to do that so that he and Merry could go on and whack a few orcs. Sam started to protest, and then saw the gleam in Frodo's eyes, and moved a few steps back from him. He ran off to get some of the neighboring hobbits.   
Meanwhile, Pippin had fainted. It was a habit of his when ever he ran into orcs to faint, and so far it had worked rather well. He woke up just in time to her the cooking orc say, "Well, the other one got away, but I guess this one will do. I'll try roasting." Pippin fainted again. He was reawakened when the orcs picked him up to begin the roasting process, when he heard the noise of...  
  
ANNOYED HOBBITS!  
  
Just then Frodo and Merry burst through the trees waving their swords about in a way that accomplished absolutely nothing, but looked rather fierce all the same. They charged forward and had cut his bonds before the orcs realized there were only two of them. (I told you that orcs are not brilliant.) They started to surround the hobbits and it seemed like all was lost, when, once more the sound of...  
  
ANNOYED HOBBITS!  
  
reached Pippin's ears, and more hobbits, lead by Sam, came dashing through the trees screaming war cries in the case of Sam, or, like the other hobbits, just yelling nonsense like "Ahheeeyaaaaaaaaooooooohaaaaay!" It worked. The orcs ran off yelling things that were just as peculiar, and everything was very confusing. Finally the fighting died down, and all the orcs had run away, except for the dead ones. At last most of the hobbits went home, rather wishing that they had gotten an orc, or in the cases of Pippin and Sam, wishing that the orcs had not gotten them! Only Frodo and Merry had gotten any, and they had swords, which works a bit better then a rake. One hobbit had bopped an orc on the head, but it had gotten away. As Frodo, Merry, Sam, and Pippin walked home in the twilight, Pippin murmured "I don't believe I want any more adventures!" Sam firmly agreed. 


End file.
